I feel that I owe all seven of my dedicated readers an explanation as why I haven't been blogging recently.
SCHOOL IS CRUEL.
And I'm actually really bad at it, so I have to try approximately 64.5x harder than a normal "smart" student in order to not fail at it, or worse, do "average." Ugh.
But I really just wanted to share this story about how I spilled crap on myself four different times today.
Not literal crap.
That's disgusting.
8:17 am
It all started this morning when I made myself some Honey-Nut Cheerios with vanilla Silk, a culinary masterpiece that scored me 10K on the Food Network's hit series "Chopped." The Cheerios were balanced precariously on the edge of my desk, but I noticed and moved them before anything disastrous happened. And I'm thinking to myself "Wow, it really is remarkable that I've made it most of the way through the semester without spilling anything on this floor."
It was then I noticed that my garbage was getting full.
(But first a little background is necessary. I inherited an unfortunate autosomal recessive mutation called "butterfingers." And I don't mean the delicious chocolatey crispy peanut buttery candy bars, because that would be awesome, and this trait is really not awesome. It is really not awesome because it involves me dropping and spilling anything that is:
a) liquidy
b) sticky
c) gooey
d) really hot
e) stains easily
I am also naturally clumsy. The two traits are usually inherited together)
I took the garbage bag and out started to tie it closed, but it somehow flipped out of my baby-smooth fingertips. Next thing I knew, my dress and chair cushion were covered in Silk dribbles and a half-full cup of stale organic peppermint tea was overturned on the floor and rapidly spreading to the four corners of the earth like deadly pepperminty lava.
My roommate/domestic partner Melissa was out of the room at the time of the incident and when she came back she thought I had literally pissed on our bedroom floor. I wouldn't put it past me either.
12:11 pm
I was rehashing the Tale of the Renegade Garbage Juice to my friends and lunch, and I guess I was so engrossed in the drama of the story to notice that cream of spinach soup was dripping out of my overturned cup, through the holes in the table and onto my expensive leather boots. Everyone else noticed though, and while they were trying to avoid the soup drip I think they missed the end part of the story where MELISSA ACTUALLY THOUGHT I PISSED ON THE FLOOR.
1:23 pm
I was on my way to biology and I had just snagged an environmentally unfriendly water bottle out of the library vendo. I was walking past one of the many many people I'm kind of acquaintances with but I'm never really sure if I should acknowledge, and instead of acknowledging him I opted to look like a badass and take a really dramatic swig out of my Arrowhead bottle. Except that I straight up missed my mouth and dumped chilly (and expensive) spring water all over the front of myself.
7:21 pm
A few hours before, I had been at CVS and purchased one of those reusable plastic coffee cups, allegedly to reduce my carbon footprint, but a small part of me just wanted to avoid future incidents due to improper cup disposal (see 8:17 am). I was waiting for glee rehearsal to start and killing the time by admiring my new cup, fascinated by the lid that defies the laws of the universe and goes lefty-tighty righty-loosey. I guess I had screwed it on a little bit too lefty-tighty, because when I tried to take the lid off to see if my tea was cool enough to not scorch my esophagus, I unscrewed it with too much force and spilled MORE organic peppermint all over my hand and my jeggings. Some good did come of this however; I was able to determine that the tea was indeed too hot to drink, as evidenced by the second degree burns on my left hand.
I think I'm just going to tell people that I spill on myself on purpose because I can ingest substances by absorbing them through my clothes and skin.
(Cool parlor trick, not so cool superpower??)
