So you're in Utah and you're hungry?
Brelp (Brett Yelp) can help with that. Om-nom-noms away!
I'm in the mood for: All-American cuisine
Nielsen's Frozen Custard, with locations in Salt Lake City, Bountiful, Holladay, Layton, and St. George, is the place to go. Known for its sociopolitically- conscious marquee slogans as well as its food, Nielsen's Frozen Custard is an old-timey diner style restaurant established immediately after the Mormon pioneers landed in the Salt Lake Valley. Because after trekking 2000 miles in the snow with no shoes, the first thing you want to do is eat a burger and ice cream. My favorite thing about Nielsen's (besides the fry sauce, non-Utahns inquire within) is the nostalgic atmosphere. It hearkens back to a time when men courted women and nobody knew anything about trans fat and heart disease. The "Concretes" are to die for. A Concrete is basically an ungodly amount of delicious ice cream that they have to put in two cups because it will smash through one cup like a brick through a soggy paper towel. They are named Concretes because their secret ingredient is actually cement, which solidifies in your intestines at an alarming rate. You can eat one of these on a Monday and still be lying on your bed gurgling with your pants unbuttoned on Thursday.
I'm in the mood for: Mexican cuisine
Cafe Rio Mexican is a fast, delicious, fresh-Mex chain with locations in all major cities in Utah and sprinkled across the Southwestern United States. There's also one in Maryland just cuz. Cafe Rio is run by honest, hard-working people who have a commitment to you and your hankering for a mountain of barbacoa pork smothered in cheddar jack. To stay true to the Mexican fiesta atmosphere, Cafe Rio rather overtly tries to hire a Hispanic staff. At some locations in Utah, there might not a large enough Hispanic population to draw from, so they have to do the next best thing and hire Polynesians and girls who dyed their hair dark for the winter (close enough). Cafe Rio is still plenty white-people friendly; in fact, it's a wildly popular family night destination for Mormon families with six blond kids all under the age of five. Don't ask how that's even possible, just be civil and give up your booster seat. I very strongly recommend getting the pork salad, or really anything with pork on it. In fact, if they DON'T have pork for some preposterous reason, you might do better swinging by Del Taco.
I'm in the mood for: Asian cuisine
If you want food AND entertainment, drop whatever fun Utah activity you're doing and get thee to Tepanyaki Japanese Steakhouse and Sushi Bar. There are four convenient locations in Lehi, West Jordan, Clearfield, and Salt Lake City. Skilled, mysterious, reticent teppanyaki chefs will whip up your Samurai Special right before your bewildered eyes on the teppan, the big iron griddle they use to cook food and punish curious children. If you're lucky, they'll even do that thing where they toss the shrimp in the front pocket of your shirt and get it all greasy but it's totally worth it. If you do choose to go to Tepanyaki, just accept that you're going to smell like it until your next shower, and don't plan on getting laid anytime soon unless you have some heavy, alcohol-based perfume on hand to cover the smell of steak grease and Japanese mysticism.
I'm in the mood for: Italian cuisine
You MUST to go to Robintino's, located in Bountiful and South Salt Lake City. I can't really tell you why you MUST go there, because honestly it's the most mediocre Italian food you'll ever eat in your life, but for some reason Robintino's has a vice grip on the hearts and appetites of Utah residents. The over 50 crowd especially enjoys Robintino's, probably because it's the only thing in their lives that hasn't changed since 1960. Anyway, if you're in the mood for pizza or pasta, come by and dip your breadstick in nostalgia and hometown glory. Or go to Sbarro. Whatever.
I'm in the mood for: a delicious deli sandwich
Unhinge your jaw, folks. Cutler's has the best and breadiest sandwiches west of the Wasatch mountain range. Located in three easy Davis County locations, Bountiful, Centerville, and Layton, Cutler's "Grandma's kitchen" vibe will warm your heart and coat your soul in mayonnaise-saturated bliss. The friendly teenaged staff are remarkably quick at making sandwiches while gossiping and studying for the ACT. My favorite thing about Cutler's sandwiches is that they don't cop out and give you those hoagie buns that blurb all your ingredients out one side. They use good old-fashioned sliced loaf bread so that your ingredients can blurb out ALL of the sides. Don't forget to get a cookie! Cutler's is famous statewide for their cookies because they bake more butter into a batch of cookies than Paula Deen has used in her entire career. I recommend the brownie-mint or glazed (not frosted) sugar cookie. You might as well get both, because after eating one your dreams of becoming a Nike ab model are already pretty much snuffed.
Happy noshing Utah!
