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| Hopefully at some point they figured out that love is NOT all you need. A bulletproof vest, for example, is sometimes helpful. *gasp* Yes I just went there. |
I don't know how to get to you.
It's disturbing how easily you're able to shut me out. Life must be a damn skip in the park for people like you who can flip a switch when things get heavy. I am not afforded that luxury; I can't make feelings vanish. I'm so stubborn I can't even admit that they exist. I can only condense them and cover them and stash them away in a remote corner of my heart.
I'm willing to do that now. I'm willing to put you away forever if you'll let me. And I'll tell you why...
I didn't used to think that happiness was a noble goal.
I used to think that there were more important things than being happy, like:
1. Truth
2. Identity
3. Making a perceptible change in the world
That was before I experienced true unhappiness. I don't mean my normal baseline discontented angst, I mean dark, suffocating, lifeless unhappiness. It didn't even feel like a thing. It felt like the absence of a thing. The absence of everything.
But it was necessary, because it snapped into focus all the truly, profoundly happy times in my life. And I realized something in the midst of all that nothing:
I do not need, nor have I ever needed, anyone else to make me happy.
Sure, someone can supplement your happiness.
Just like the absence of someone can supplement your unhappiness.
But no one can make that happen for you.
That's all you, bro.
I'm letting you know, with all finality, that I do not need you.
I don't need you. I have never needed you. In fact, I'm led to believe that your conspicuous absence in all the truly happy times in my life is not a mere coincidence.
I don't need you. But I worry about you. I worry that unlike me, you believe you need someone else to make you happy. It's why you can't stand to be alone. It's why you think that if you love her enough, it will create an endless positive feedback loop and you can finally fulfill that deep, clean, aching for bigger and bolder love. I worry that she will disappoint you, just like I have.
I don't need you. But dear god, I love you. I told you that. You didn't seem to understand that there are a severely limited number of things "I love you" can actually mean. If I'm being completely honest, loving you has been one of my greatest victories. Some might consider unrequited love to be sad and pathetic; I disagree. If you can care about someone unconditionally, regardless of whether you get anything in return, you are a master of love. And a master of pain.
I don't need you. But I need you to let me go. I need you to acknowledge that this was how it was always going to end. That you need someone, but you will always need me less. I need you to break me properly so I can heal the right way. I am capable of making myself happy again. And I deserve to do that for myself.
