You watched me and smiled. You told me I had such beautiful things inside of me.
My fingers slithered listlessly over the piano keys and back again, moved by invisible forces.
You called them doodles. They felt like they belonged to someone else.
You said you loved me. Intensely.
And you followed me to the end of a narrow, twisting path into an enchanted womb of perpetual twilight. Stars blinked through the layered purple haze, the air was warm and heavy.
Moonflowers bloomed from the mud on the banks of murky water, where luminescent creatures floated weightlessly, whispering promises of drowning in inconceivable depths.
Beautiful things are dark. They are cumbersome. They are always starving and always aching and always leaning.
You left me alone in that thick, purple place, that world that no one can find unless they already know where it is.
I believe you will wander back here.
You will get tired of the world above ground. The memory of that place will come back to you in pieces, making you drunk and nauseated with sheer wanting.
Wanting for the weight that you don't wholly understand. Wanting to disintegrate into eternal soup.
Wanting for me.
Wednesday, April 30, 2014
Saturday, April 12, 2014
PSA: A Comprehensive Guide to your Basic Bitch Girlfriend
Congratulations!
You are dating a basic bitch. What is a basic bitch, you may ask? This is a concept that I had recognized but been unable to put a name to for a long time until some genius on the internet came up with the Basic Bitch. The BB is pretty much every female age 18 to 25 who, due to social influence and sheer lack of awareness, has failed to distinguish herself from all other 18 to 25-year-old females. It is an ambiguous archetype which may lead us to ask more complex questions about the nature of concept formation. Is there a standard of "chair-ness" that leads us to define something as a chair? Is there a sense of "cat-ness" that makes something a cat and something else not a cat? Is there one true "basic bitch" to whom we compare all other basic bitches? The world may never know. That is, until someone on the internet figures it out.
Why date a basic bitch?
Because she is hot. I could leave it there for brevity, but we would be missing out on a crucial maneuver that makes the BB so universally appealing to men. I call it the "Triangle Choke" (which is also the name of a basic choke move in Brazilian Jiu Jitsu). The Triange Choke is a three-part power play in which control of the relationship is passed back and forth between the male and BB.
The BB first comes on strong with (false) confidence and security. Men love the first stage of the Triangle Choke because the BB does it all for him and it requires zero effort on his part.
In the second stage of the Triangle Choke, BB plays hard to get. She pretends that she can do better, causing the male to get up off his ass and chase her because what essentially drives males is the idea of other males winning.
In the third stage of the Triangle Choke, BB allows herself to be "caught" and from then on out becomes pathetically dependent on the male for all emotional validation. The male is all about this, because he loves to feel needed. Relationships are all about power, and it is a powerful ego boost for the male when he knows that he is the one true source of BB's happiness and can take it away at any time.
In a nutshell, BB hands you the reigns and all the materials you need to be in control of the relationship while making it appear that she is not doing that.
Communicating with your BB
Communicating with a BB is notoriously difficult. She can't tell you what she wants because usually people just GIVE it to her before she has to ask for it. She doesn't always speak her mind, which you like because it makes her appear mysterious and all the more desirable. In reality, she just doesn't have a lot on her mind. She doesn't experience many original thoughts; most were borrowed and maybe slightly altered from the quote app on her iPhone or a listicle on Buzzfeed. At some point, most likely out of absolutely nowhere, she will pick a huge unnecessary fight about how you "never share your feelings" with her. You will not win this fight.
Feeding your BB
You never really know what BB will or will not eat because she is always on some kind of fad diet. "No I PROMISE, ketchup has so many health benefits!" If she is currently on a juice cleanse, she will swear that she feels amazing, but whatever you do, do NOT piss her off. She is a hungry bitch and she will ACTUALLY EAT YOU IF YOU CROSS HER. She talks a lot about kale, but you have never witnessed her eating kale. Boba and cupcakes are always a safe bet.
BB also loooooooves brunch, so take her to brunch at any opportunity. Make SURE that wherever you choose to go, they have bottomless mimosas. While she's talking at you about how "this is LITERALLY the best egg white scramble I've ever had ever," you and I will make knowing eye contact from across the cafe. I will be the one reading Middle Eastern poetry and not eating anything because I'm poor and currently surviving on instant coffee.
Grooming your BB
She does her makeup while sitting in the bathroom sink, which you used to think was an adorable quirk until you REALLY had to poop and she refused to move because she was only halfway through putting on liquid eyeliner. BB has one of those fold-out makeup castles which contains approximately 2376832 products she has used twice. She gets all of it at Sephora because she mistakenly believes that spending more money on cosmetics will make her hotter.
She sheds. A lot. You wonder how she still has hair on her head at the end of the day when all of it is in your shower drain. She will also use your razor to shave her legs. You can try to hide it, but BB regularly snoops in your apartment while you're playing FIFA and she will eventually find it.
Clothing your BB
BB has two walk-in closets and one of them is solely for shoes that she spent way too much (of her dad's) money on. She owns no less than 15 sundresses, 10 cardigans, and 5 infinity scarves. She has an entire drawer for leggings and Lulu yoga pants even though they all look exactly the same.
While you're out on the town, BB may want to "run into Urban real quick" because she saw something in the window that would "LITERALLY be PERFECT for ___." You end up holding her purse for an hour and a half while she tries on crop-tops and shapeless, floral items in muted colors. She will end up purchasing for $78 some weird one-piece thing that she thankfully only wore once.
Exercising your BB
She busts her ass at the gym, and you can tell because she has an impossibly hard body. It would be very admirable if she were doing it for the right reasons. You know she doesn't work out for her health, otherwise she wouldn't chain-smoke cigs outside the club with her European girlfriend. She also doesn't care about looking good for you; she knows you couldn't do better if you tried. BB works out because she LOVES to look hot for other guys who are not you. She absolutely can't resist doing anything that will get the attention of males who can't have her, and having the perfect bust-waist-hips ratio will do just that. She also LIVES for the hundreds of "likes" on Insta mirror selfies at the gym with captions like "#fitandfabulous" and #strongisthenewskinny."
Hanging out with your BB
God forbid you want to watch a sporting event on TV, she will sit there with her arms crossed and pout, waiting for you to ask her what's wrong. "Can we at LEAST flip to John Tucker during the commercials?" BB STRONGLY dislikes it when you give more of your attention to something else than you do to her. She will probably try to seduce you to get your attention back to her, DON'T FALL FOR THIS TRICK. She doesn't want you, she just wants to be more important to you than the Lakers.
Sexytimes with your BB
BB is usually pretty passive in most settings, but quickly turns into Bossy McGee in the bedroom. If she "wants to try that thing in Cosmo," SAY NO FTLOG. She is also loud. It's not because you're an Avenger in the sack, in fact you're probably pretty mediocre; she is just used to making everything she does appear better than it actually is.
BB at parties
The second you walk into a party, BB will jump squealing into the arms of some chick you've never seen before exclaiming so the whole party can hear her "OHHH MYYY GAWWWD I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU IN FOREEVVVVERRRR!!!!" BB and Some Chick will disappear for a while, presumably to catch up on dumb shit in their lives that the other doesn't actually care about. BB will spontaneously reappear the second you start talking to another girl, wrap herself around your waist and whine your name with an "-ey" on the end to declare her ownership of you. Jealousy is a shallow and transparent emotion, which means BB experiences it in droves. She introduces you to one her "best guy friends," and you don't know whether to hate him or give your fallen bro a pat on the shoulder, since he was clearly only ever "friends" with BB to get into her 25" waist Joe's.
You leave the party when she wants to leave the party. She rolls her eyes at you when you ask if you can stop at a taco truck on the way home.
BB at the club
BB frequently needs a "girl's night," which you should most definitely grant her. You can take this opportunity to play FIFA with your bros, assuming your bros haven't abandoned you due to the astounding amount of maintenance your relationship with BB requires.
BB will straighten her hair and wear her most revealing NastyGal strapless dress to the club. She and her girls will stand in a circle and shake their asses and yell the words to "Timber" off-key while clutching vodka-sodas in one hand and raising the other into the air. The hand they raise into the air serves as a signal to desperate bros to come buy them more vodka-sodas. When the bro that has been buying your BB vodka-sodas starts to get handsy, BB will yell "I HAVE A BOYFRIEND, YOU CREEP!" and storm off holding hands with her girlfriends. When it's time to go, BB will go fetch her drunker, less attractive friend from the ladies room where she has been puking in her own hair. BB is SUCH. A good friend.
Breaking Basic
One fateful night, you will "accidentally" hook up with a basic-er, bitchier girl at a party or something. You will convince yourself that you don't need to feel bad about it, because this was a necessary step in realizing that knowing where your next BJ is coming from is not a good enough reason to put up with BB any longer.
You break up with BB over text. She unfriends you on Facebook. You deal with the breakup by playing FIFA, drinking beer, and trying to reconnect with your bros, who hate you. She deals with the breakup by listening to Taylor Swift and writing a verbose Thought Catalog article rich with cryptic imagery from your relationship.
A few months after you break up, you will be lonely and horny one night and decide to text her. She will respond with, "If you can't handle me at my worst, you don't deserve me at my best."
And hopefully after that, you will grow the f**k up, stop trying to take the easy way, and find a woman with some substance.
*This PSA has been brought to you by Jouissance, the complete resource for social critics.
You are dating a basic bitch. What is a basic bitch, you may ask? This is a concept that I had recognized but been unable to put a name to for a long time until some genius on the internet came up with the Basic Bitch. The BB is pretty much every female age 18 to 25 who, due to social influence and sheer lack of awareness, has failed to distinguish herself from all other 18 to 25-year-old females. It is an ambiguous archetype which may lead us to ask more complex questions about the nature of concept formation. Is there a standard of "chair-ness" that leads us to define something as a chair? Is there a sense of "cat-ness" that makes something a cat and something else not a cat? Is there one true "basic bitch" to whom we compare all other basic bitches? The world may never know. That is, until someone on the internet figures it out.
Why date a basic bitch?
Because she is hot. I could leave it there for brevity, but we would be missing out on a crucial maneuver that makes the BB so universally appealing to men. I call it the "Triangle Choke" (which is also the name of a basic choke move in Brazilian Jiu Jitsu). The Triange Choke is a three-part power play in which control of the relationship is passed back and forth between the male and BB.
The BB first comes on strong with (false) confidence and security. Men love the first stage of the Triangle Choke because the BB does it all for him and it requires zero effort on his part.
In the second stage of the Triangle Choke, BB plays hard to get. She pretends that she can do better, causing the male to get up off his ass and chase her because what essentially drives males is the idea of other males winning.
In the third stage of the Triangle Choke, BB allows herself to be "caught" and from then on out becomes pathetically dependent on the male for all emotional validation. The male is all about this, because he loves to feel needed. Relationships are all about power, and it is a powerful ego boost for the male when he knows that he is the one true source of BB's happiness and can take it away at any time.
In a nutshell, BB hands you the reigns and all the materials you need to be in control of the relationship while making it appear that she is not doing that.
Communicating with your BB
Communicating with a BB is notoriously difficult. She can't tell you what she wants because usually people just GIVE it to her before she has to ask for it. She doesn't always speak her mind, which you like because it makes her appear mysterious and all the more desirable. In reality, she just doesn't have a lot on her mind. She doesn't experience many original thoughts; most were borrowed and maybe slightly altered from the quote app on her iPhone or a listicle on Buzzfeed. At some point, most likely out of absolutely nowhere, she will pick a huge unnecessary fight about how you "never share your feelings" with her. You will not win this fight.
Feeding your BB
You never really know what BB will or will not eat because she is always on some kind of fad diet. "No I PROMISE, ketchup has so many health benefits!" If she is currently on a juice cleanse, she will swear that she feels amazing, but whatever you do, do NOT piss her off. She is a hungry bitch and she will ACTUALLY EAT YOU IF YOU CROSS HER. She talks a lot about kale, but you have never witnessed her eating kale. Boba and cupcakes are always a safe bet.
BB also loooooooves brunch, so take her to brunch at any opportunity. Make SURE that wherever you choose to go, they have bottomless mimosas. While she's talking at you about how "this is LITERALLY the best egg white scramble I've ever had ever," you and I will make knowing eye contact from across the cafe. I will be the one reading Middle Eastern poetry and not eating anything because I'm poor and currently surviving on instant coffee.
Grooming your BB
She does her makeup while sitting in the bathroom sink, which you used to think was an adorable quirk until you REALLY had to poop and she refused to move because she was only halfway through putting on liquid eyeliner. BB has one of those fold-out makeup castles which contains approximately 2376832 products she has used twice. She gets all of it at Sephora because she mistakenly believes that spending more money on cosmetics will make her hotter.
She sheds. A lot. You wonder how she still has hair on her head at the end of the day when all of it is in your shower drain. She will also use your razor to shave her legs. You can try to hide it, but BB regularly snoops in your apartment while you're playing FIFA and she will eventually find it.
Clothing your BB
BB has two walk-in closets and one of them is solely for shoes that she spent way too much (of her dad's) money on. She owns no less than 15 sundresses, 10 cardigans, and 5 infinity scarves. She has an entire drawer for leggings and Lulu yoga pants even though they all look exactly the same.
While you're out on the town, BB may want to "run into Urban real quick" because she saw something in the window that would "LITERALLY be PERFECT for ___." You end up holding her purse for an hour and a half while she tries on crop-tops and shapeless, floral items in muted colors. She will end up purchasing for $78 some weird one-piece thing that she thankfully only wore once.
Exercising your BB
She busts her ass at the gym, and you can tell because she has an impossibly hard body. It would be very admirable if she were doing it for the right reasons. You know she doesn't work out for her health, otherwise she wouldn't chain-smoke cigs outside the club with her European girlfriend. She also doesn't care about looking good for you; she knows you couldn't do better if you tried. BB works out because she LOVES to look hot for other guys who are not you. She absolutely can't resist doing anything that will get the attention of males who can't have her, and having the perfect bust-waist-hips ratio will do just that. She also LIVES for the hundreds of "likes" on Insta mirror selfies at the gym with captions like "#fitandfabulous" and #strongisthenewskinny."
Hanging out with your BB
God forbid you want to watch a sporting event on TV, she will sit there with her arms crossed and pout, waiting for you to ask her what's wrong. "Can we at LEAST flip to John Tucker during the commercials?" BB STRONGLY dislikes it when you give more of your attention to something else than you do to her. She will probably try to seduce you to get your attention back to her, DON'T FALL FOR THIS TRICK. She doesn't want you, she just wants to be more important to you than the Lakers.
Sexytimes with your BB
BB is usually pretty passive in most settings, but quickly turns into Bossy McGee in the bedroom. If she "wants to try that thing in Cosmo," SAY NO FTLOG. She is also loud. It's not because you're an Avenger in the sack, in fact you're probably pretty mediocre; she is just used to making everything she does appear better than it actually is.
BB at parties
The second you walk into a party, BB will jump squealing into the arms of some chick you've never seen before exclaiming so the whole party can hear her "OHHH MYYY GAWWWD I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU IN FOREEVVVVERRRR!!!!" BB and Some Chick will disappear for a while, presumably to catch up on dumb shit in their lives that the other doesn't actually care about. BB will spontaneously reappear the second you start talking to another girl, wrap herself around your waist and whine your name with an "-ey" on the end to declare her ownership of you. Jealousy is a shallow and transparent emotion, which means BB experiences it in droves. She introduces you to one her "best guy friends," and you don't know whether to hate him or give your fallen bro a pat on the shoulder, since he was clearly only ever "friends" with BB to get into her 25" waist Joe's.
You leave the party when she wants to leave the party. She rolls her eyes at you when you ask if you can stop at a taco truck on the way home.
BB at the club
BB frequently needs a "girl's night," which you should most definitely grant her. You can take this opportunity to play FIFA with your bros, assuming your bros haven't abandoned you due to the astounding amount of maintenance your relationship with BB requires.
BB will straighten her hair and wear her most revealing NastyGal strapless dress to the club. She and her girls will stand in a circle and shake their asses and yell the words to "Timber" off-key while clutching vodka-sodas in one hand and raising the other into the air. The hand they raise into the air serves as a signal to desperate bros to come buy them more vodka-sodas. When the bro that has been buying your BB vodka-sodas starts to get handsy, BB will yell "I HAVE A BOYFRIEND, YOU CREEP!" and storm off holding hands with her girlfriends. When it's time to go, BB will go fetch her drunker, less attractive friend from the ladies room where she has been puking in her own hair. BB is SUCH. A good friend.
Breaking Basic
One fateful night, you will "accidentally" hook up with a basic-er, bitchier girl at a party or something. You will convince yourself that you don't need to feel bad about it, because this was a necessary step in realizing that knowing where your next BJ is coming from is not a good enough reason to put up with BB any longer.
You break up with BB over text. She unfriends you on Facebook. You deal with the breakup by playing FIFA, drinking beer, and trying to reconnect with your bros, who hate you. She deals with the breakup by listening to Taylor Swift and writing a verbose Thought Catalog article rich with cryptic imagery from your relationship.
A few months after you break up, you will be lonely and horny one night and decide to text her. She will respond with, "If you can't handle me at my worst, you don't deserve me at my best."
And hopefully after that, you will grow the f**k up, stop trying to take the easy way, and find a woman with some substance.
*This PSA has been brought to you by Jouissance, the complete resource for social critics.
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