I'm such a weak woman. I hate weak women, but I am one.
I like to do things that make me feel strong. Like read scientific articles and kickbox. I started training at a new MMA gym this past year. I could tell I was getting stronger. Maybe not stronger, maybe "less weak." But stronger wasn't the only thing I was getting. Engaging in a dude-dominated sport, I was also getting attention, mostly of the kind I did not want. A male teammate approached me and asked me if I wanted to go running with him and the team. What can I say, I wanted a team, I wanted to get faster, I wanted to get stronger. I wanted to get less weak.
But I am SUCH a weak woman.
There was no running. There was no team. There was an arrogant, shady dude who wanted to date me. It was apparent almost immediately that this was not someone I wanted to date. But as a weak woman, I made excuses. I wanted to give Shady Dude a chance, because he had an impressive pro record, and I was so desperate to get not weak.
But like I said....I am weak. I just am. I let it go on too long. I made too many excuses. I was afraid to break it off because Shady Dude was aggressive, violent, and volatile. I was afraid he would hurt me, literally physically hurt me, even though he swore he wouldn't. It would have been easy for him. The reality is that if a man, any man, wanted to hurt me, he could. Because I am such a fucking weak woman.
After being pursued to an uncomfortable extent, I gently let Shady Dude know he wasn't the one. Over text, obviously, because I am that weak. Just as I expected, he immediately went on the offense.
"Ok have a shitty life with ur acne *cry-laughing emoji*"
Went right for my balls. I made the classic weak woman mistake of confiding in the wrong person about my insecurities. I've been fighting the uppest of uphill battles with my complexion since I was 12 years old, and I've tried everything. I don't have acne anymore, but I still have small-scale sporadic breakouts mostly due to the insurmountable stress of being a full-time student on top of having a full-time job (and from my sparring headgear, because zits>brain damage). I'm really self-conscious about it, and it came up once in a conversation with Shady Dude after he commented on a particularly prominent stress-zit (which, for your own sake guys, YOU SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER EVER DO).
So some awful person who I rejected makes an immature and mostly untrue jab at something that has nothing to do with my worth as a human being, and what do I do? I freak the f**k out. Almost immediately, I stopped going to the gym in case Shady Dude was there. School got overwhelming and I didn't have time to train as much as I had before, but even when I did have time, I would make excuses not to go if I had a single blemish on my face (which I always did, because ~80 hours of work a week does not for glowing skin make).
I am yet another weak-ass woman who let some shitty dude get in her head. I quit an activity that I loved because of a mean comment someone made about my looks. I gave up my fight dreams because I was afraid a man might hurt me, and even more afraid a man might hurt my feels. I tried to freeze my gym membership and they wouldn't let me. I told them that someone there made me feel uncomfortable and unsafe and they still wouldn't let me.
I'm trying to be strong. I want to go back because I love fighting. I miss punching stuff. I bought new gloves that I'm really excited about and was getting super pumped to go back tomorrow. But on the eve of my triumphant return, I woke up with a spectacular smattering of fresh hell on my forehead, and that stupid weak woman inside of me is rearing her stupid ugly weak head.
I am weak. I would love to blame all the Shady Dudes of the world for doing this to me, but I have no one to blame but myself.
