OPEN SCENE. It is a late Sunday morning in early October. Brunch rush is in a full swing at a trendy, steampunk-themed restaurant in Los Angeles. Nikolai and Suzette are seated in the outdoor patio area in the far corner, closest to the sidewalk.
Nikolai, 30, is unbrushed and unshaven. He can't be bothered to wear real pants on weekends, so he is wearing basketball shorts and a plain white tee shirt. Suzette, also 30, is wearing overalls and Birkenstocks. Nikolai's oversized cardigan is draped over the back of her chair. She put it on this morning when it was chilly, but they are seated in the sun and it has since gotten warm out. They have finished eating and are slowly working on their lukewarm coffee.
SUZ: I forgot to tell you, we're going to Angela's next Friday.
NIK: Who's "we?"
SUZ: You and me.
NIK: I can make my own decision about whether to go to Angela's, thank you.
SUZ: Nope. You forfeited that right when you married me.
NIK: Excuse me, I'm an independent being.
SUZ: Your MOM'S an independent being.
NIK: That she is. She's also wondering why you haven't called her lately.
SUZ: Nice try. If I haven't talked to her, then you DEFINITELY haven't talked to her.
NIK: I was hoping you could talk to her for both of us.
SUZ: I have nothing to talk about with your mother.
NIK: You don't need to have anything to talk about with my mother. You listen to her gossip about her friends for a few minutes, and then when she suggests a weekend to come visit us, you make up somewhere we have to be.
SUZ: Savage.
A few moments of silence pass.
SUZ: Callie and Jason are getting divorced.
NIK: I know. We talked about it yesterday.
SUZ: Really? I thought I told Sarah.
NIK: Nope. Do you often get me and Sarah confused?
SUZ: Sometimes.
NIK: Do you wish I was Sarah?
SUZ: Yes, I pretend you're Sarah when we f--
WAITRESS: How's everything going over here?
BOTH: Great, thanks.
The ponytailed waitress disappears into the muss.
SUZ: She hates her job.
NIK: Yup.
A few more moments pass. Suzette's mind starts to wander.
NIK: Christ, we need to have kids so we have something to talk about.
SUZ: No kids.
NIK: Why not kids?
SUZ: My body, my decisions.
NIK: Nope. You forfeited that right when you married me.
SUZ: I don't think that's how this works.
NIK: How does this work?
SUZ: We live together and I put your name on my tax returns. And sometimes I use your razor.
NIK: That can't be sanitary.
SUZ: We do less sanitary things.
NIK: Touche.
A few more moments pass. An old-fashioned car drives by, puttering a black cloud of diesel smoke. Somewhere on the patio a baby starts crying. Someone has brought their baby to brunch.
SUZ: Oh my god, check out this lady's hair. WAIT. Okay, now look.
NIK: WOAH. It's like her head is doing lotus pose.
SUZ: Yeah, I took physics and that shouldn't be possible.
NIK: Wait, YOU took physics?
SUZ: Don't act so surprised.
NIK: You never cease to fascinate me.
SUZ: I got 22% on my final. It was multiple choice. Which means I would have done better if I had just guessed on all the questions.
NIK: You have other talents.
SUZ: And my professor wore the same shirt every day.
NIK: That's offensive.
The waitress returns.
WAITRESS: We still doing okay over here?
NIK: Yeah, can I get a box for this?
WAITRESS: Is a big box okay? We're out of small boxes.
NIK: Yeah, that's fine.
The waitress dispatches. Suzette opens her front-facing camera to check her hair.
NIK: What if I had said no?
SUZ: What?
NIK: What if I had said 'no, a big box is not okay'?
SUZ: You're an idiot.
NIK: But you married me, so.
SUZ: Because you're a handsome idiot.
NIK: I'm not just a pair of tits, Suz.
The waitress returns with a big to-go box and the check. Even after a year of marriage, Suzette still reaches for her wallet because she is an independent woman and wants Nikolai to know that she still considers herself an independent woman. Nikolai throws down his credit card.
SUZ: Thanks babe.
NIK: Of course babe.
SUZ: I need to stop at Home Depot on the way home.
NIK: What business does my woman have in that orange, cedar-scented hell?
SUZ: Need some bolts. The shelf in the closet fell down last week.
NIK: I hadn't noticed.
SUZ: I noticed that you hadn't noticed.
Nikolai signs the check. He and Suzette scooch out their chairs in unison and Suzette puts her cardigan on. As Nikolai departs from the table, Suzette pulls a 5-dollar-bill out of her wallet and throws it on the table.
END SCENE.
