Racism is just a color in the flag of ignorance

I'm strictly opposed to partying on school nights (or really any nights for that matter), but somehow the erratic trajectory of my life landed me at a house party last night at so and so's apartment in some really hilly part of wherever the crap in Istanbul we are. All was hunky dory until someone had the worst idea in the world to start a rousing game of some-kind-of-liquor pong. We were told it was CRUCIAL to keep the noise level down, but telling 20 drunk college kids playing some-kind-of-liquor pong to keep the noise level down is like telling the Titanic to duck.

So I was about this much surprised |     | when the police rolled up in front of the building on account of several bajillion noise complaints. Thirty seconds later we were hauling ass up the stairs and stashing booze, coats, and shoes wherever we could. We squeezed all 20-something of us into a little loft bedroom upstairs, turned off the lights, and prayed to our various Gods that we wouldn't get thrown into Turkish prison and our decaying carcasses get munched on by Turkish rats.

After a record ten seconds of silence, out of the darkness came an unidentified voice.
"I feel like a Jew."

Because it did kind of feel like we were Jews. A few people did the nose-snort chuckle, but a certain token Jew among us was not amused.




Nor were the token black kids among us amused when our program director asked them why they weren't more excited to eat chicken.

Nor was anyone at all amused when I made the unforgivable error of lumping all Central Americans in with the Mexicans.

(I'M SO SORRY MELI YOU KNOW I KNOW BETTER)

Racism is an extremely delicate subject, and me choosing to talk about it is like handing a newborn to a yeti, but it's something I have been trying for years to understand and talking about it helps.

I'm fortunate enough to have never been a victim of racism or racial humor (that I know of). I've gotten plenty of flack for my religion, but that is something that I can and do choose to withhold if I want. I do, however, have a very racially diverse group of friends that I care for deeply. Hearing them talk about the crap they've gone through is really difficult for me because I feel like there's nothing I could ever say to console or empathize. As a boring lame white person, I will just never understand.

But I did get kicked out of a class today for being an exchange student.

The professor had no intention of offending me, and if anything she just didn't want me to be uncomfortable in a class I couldn't keep up in. But it was still embarrassing to be singled out in front a group of strangers whose language you don't speak and who already have some unfavorable notions about Americans.

Fortunately I blend in pretty damn effortlessly with the Turkish students as long as I keep my stupid American mouth shut, but if anyone tries to talk to me, my stupid American-ness will become stupidly, American-ly obvious. Yesterday I held the door for a girl who proceeded to say something in Turkish at me that I can infer from her tone was something like "What, bitch, you think I can't get the door myself?" When I just shrugged and said "What? Sorry," she just scoffed and rolled her eyes and dipped out in the other direction.

And I'm standing there thinking to myself, "should I really have to apologize for only speaking English at an English medium university?"

And then I'm like, oh...shit son. Moment of Clarity.

NO ONE should have to apologize for being what they are.

I'm obviously in NO WAY being purposefully discriminated against in Turkey. And it's not like after a week here I alla sudden just have this instantaneous "YEAH MAN!" about racism and all its complexities and formalities and definitions. It's just that I've always been "in," and now, I'm so very much "out." And I want to be "in" so badly, but people aren't going to just automatically like me or trust me and my "outwardness." So I hide my outwardness with unprecedented dangerous levels of Bitchface, because I'm like "holy crap I'm so mad at myself for being American right now."

SIGH.

My biggest questions about dealing with different races are still unanswered. Is racism drawing attention to differences, or ignoring them? Am I supposed to treat everyone the same? How am I supposed to be sensitive about racial differences without being totally insensitive?

I feel really aldjfhskdjf talking about it. It is inherently an uncomfortable topic, and when a white person talks about it everyone's guards immediately go up like a mighty fortress.

CAN WE JUST ALL BE FRIENDS PLZ AND IGNORE SKINS AND EAT RAINBOWS AND DANCE A LOT AND MAKE UP SOME NEW LANGUAGE AND ALL LEARN IT TOGETHER?

That would be ideal.
Let's work on that, and on the side I'll keep whippin up these Turkish flashcards like it's my MF occupation.