OPEN SCENE. Ryan, a college sophomore, darts nervously around the courtyard. He sits down on a bench with his head in his hands for a moment and fishes his iPhone out of his pocket. Dials Brody.
BRO: Sup.
RY: Dude I need your help.
BRO: I didn’t do the bio homework either.
RY: Dude fuck bio I did something bad.
BRO: ...Okay?
RY: I stole Ayn Rand.
BRO: Um...what?
RY: You know the bust of that ogre-looking broad on the
second-floor reading nook in the library?
BRO: Yes...
RY: I took it.
BRO: Are you out of your goddamn mind?
RY: I think so dude I don’t even know.
BRO: How did that even...dude why?
RY: I...I don’t know.
BROL Isn’t that thing like bolted to the ground?
RY: I thought so but I touched it and it moved so I just...picked
it up.
BRO: Wait, so you were fondling Ayn Rand in the library and
decided to just...
RY: I wasn’t fondling her I was—
BRO: Ayn Rand isn’t even hot dude.
RY: I know but—
BRO: Atlas Shrugged wasn’t even good.
RY: I didn’t even read—
BRO: It was weird.
RY: Dammit dude focus. I don’t know what to do with it now.
BRO: Where is she now?
RY: In my bag.
BRO: Dude that thing is huge, you just stashed it in your
knapsack?
RY: It’s not a knapsack it’s a messenger bag and yes.
BRO: Does it even fit?
RY: The top of her head is sticking out.
BRO: You’re fucking stupid dude.
RY: You’re fucking stupid dude, help me get rid of it.
BRO: Just go put it back.
RY: I can’t just put it back, now they know it’s gone and
they’ll be watching.
BRO: So you’re just gonna keep Ayn Rand in your dorm?
RY: No help me bury it.
BRO: I’m not helping you bury Ayn Rand dude.
*Later that night, while
burying Ayn Rand behind the gym.
BRO: I feel like stealing Ayn Rand is something the actual Ayn Rand would
totally not be in favor of.
RY: Shut the fuck up man.
BRO: I’m just saying, it’s kind of ironic.
*Ryan and Brody pat down the last of the dirt and admire their patchy job
BRO: …I wonder how she would feel about being buried twice.
RY: Ayn Rand’s not dead dude.
BRO: She’s super dead dude.
RY: No man she’s like my grandpa’s age.
*Pull out cell phones and do a quick Google
RY: 1982. Super dead. My bad.
*Ryan and Brody head back toward their dorm, glancing nervously behind them.
RY: This is so fucked up dude.
BRO: Everyone’s gotta maintain their weird homeostasis dude. Some
people keep wolverines tied to a post in their backyard.
RY: Some dudes collect woodland faeries. Not fairies, faeries. Like with an “ae.”
BRO: And you’re a klepto with an Ayn Rand fetish.
RY: You’re dead to me.
BRO: I think there’s a kappa that kind of looks like Ayn Rand,
I’ll hook you up.
RY: All the kappas look like Ayn Rand dude.
BRO: Maybe we should bury them too.
END SCENE.
