Dealing with Awkward Things that Happen in Passing
Awkward Situation #1: You are approaching someone you know from a long distance and you don't know the appropriate time to initiate contact
Classic n00b mistake: You say hi too early and then share way too many seconds of uncomfortable silence, or you say hi too late and the person is already well on their merry way and done deciding you are a raging douche for not saying hi.
How to avoid this misfortune: Do not make eye contact with the person until the appropriate distance has been covered. Create the illusion that you have a perfect-timing mechanism installed in your brain by looking busy until the opportune "oh hey didn't see you there" moment has arrived. Modern technology has given us cellphones not only to make it easier for the wicked tax people to find us, but to make us look like we are busy with something important. I used this one all through high school and I successfully had no friends. You may also choose to tie your shoe or greet another passerby. Just make sure you are wearing shoes with laces or that the person you greet actually knows who you are, or you could be creating a whole new world of awkward for yourself.
Awkward Situation #2: Someone you don't know waves/bro-nods at the person behind you, and because you are awkward, you wave/bro-nod back
Classic n00b mistake: You apologize. Heaven forbid you try to explain your actions to the passerby, you have just descended to a level of awkward only the likes of myself and Michael Cera have ever experienced.
 |
| Totally done this. I'm sure it didn't end well for either of us. |
How to avoid this misfortune: The easy way out is to pretend it didn't happen, but you have to accept that pretending something awkward didn't happen will ALWAYS leave you charred. The better option is to pretend that you are waving/bro-nodding to the person behind the person who just waved/bro-nodded to the person behind you. It's a dead simple gambit, really. Pick someone. Make up someone. Whatever you do, just pretend that you are reeeealllly happy to see them.
Your second option is to go along with it and follow-up with a "Hey how's it goin' Jerry?"
WHO'S AWKWARD NOW, BETCH?!?!?!
Awkward Situation #3: You start having a conversation with someone, and after way too long you realize they are talking on one of those bluetooth headset thingies
Classic n00b mistake: You walk away. Not so fast champ, you get to be creative here.
How to avoid this misfortune: Easy peasy fo sweezy. Just pretend you are talking on a bluetooth headset thingy too. Enough people have them these days that it's totally plausible, and you only have to pretend to be pompous-ass techie for a few seconds before you're allowed to walk. The best way to pull it off is to take the fake conversation to the most outlandish place you can possibly think of. Here is a sample of a bluetooth-to-bluetooth conversation pulled off brilliantly:
Bluetoother: Hey, how you doin?
Awkward Person: I'm doing okay, but how bout this weather, yeah?!
BT: Good good. Hey tell Chareese to put those files on my desk and I'll pick 'em up at noon
AP ( who has just realized bluetoother is bluetoothing and doesn't actually care how he is doing):
I said no way Abel! Trident Layers does not count as adequate compensation, no matter how many private islands you own! (puts hand to ear and storms away)
If you're lucky, the bluetoother won't have even realized you were there. But let's be serious, you're way too appallingly awkward to not be noticed. And this guy is on bluetooth, he's probably someone important who will be withholding a job from you in the near future.
*None of these guidelines apply if you start having a conversation with a person who is Skyping.Then you're just screwed and the other person thinks you're a nut forever. I speak from true experience on this one, burn marks don't lie
Awkward Situation #4: You are a humble pedestrian trying to cross the street, and an angry motorist is about to turn into the crosswalk you are trying to use (because you are a law-abiding citizen who uses crosswalks)
Classic n00b mistake: You wait for the motorist to go. Because then the motorist will wait for you. You proceed to do a pedestrian-motorist dance in which you will both go and stop at the same time, waving your arms at each other like fools, and making all parties involved grumpy and irritated.
How to avoid this misfortune: Cross the street the other way. Go back the way you came. Take a sidestreet. Do whatever you have to do to look like you have a destination that is somewhere other than across that crosswalk. Once the motorist is out of sight, you can go the way you intended to go and everyone is happy.
I hope this guide was helpful to some of you. The next installment of the series will be:
"Cautionary Tales: what NOT to do"
I shanghaied your blog off Books of Adam, because I was in desperate need of a blog for the off days. I'm very pleased with my decision :) Where were these tips when I was in high school? It would have made my upcoming class reunion so much less awkward.
ReplyDelete