Tom and Colin are at the gym. It's mid-day on a Saturday. Colin is doing chest presses. Tom is pretending to spot Colin, but actually just has one hand resting on the bar and is playing on his phone with the other.
Tom: I mean...you know I have nothing but love Col, but I think you might be overreacting.
Colin: He has a CATALOG of dick pics on his phone, Thomas!
Tom: This is WeHo, everyone has a catalog of dick pics on their phone. I have a catalog of dick pics on my phone. It doesn't necessarily mean there was any wrongdoing!
Colin: I just couldn't handle the lies anymore. I know he wasn't staying at David's all those times. I just know. I just know things. You know how I just know things?
Tom: Do you know how many people are watching your little meltdown right now?
Colin: I don't know what to do, Tom. We were looking at puppies together and now, I just...
Tom: I'm so sorry, honey. What do you need from me?
Colin: Right now I just need you to spot me.
Tom: What? I am!
Colin: I just HEARD you watching Snaps, you fraudulent bitch.
*Extremely beefy beefcake approaches the pair*
Beefcake: Do you mind if I work in with you guys?
Tom: I'm sorry, we're using this.
Beefcake: Really? Because it looked like you were just chit-chatting.
*Tom sneers*: All yours.
*Tom pulls Colin off the bench and they head toward the locker room*
Colin: I WILL CUT YOU YOU WHORE!
Tom: MY GOD Colin control yourself!
Colin: Why? he has headphones in, it's not like he could hear me.
Tom: Is it possible that you're just disproportionately angry at anything with a ballsack right now?
Colin: No. I'm not mad at you. Well okay, I'm a little mad at you. You're being very insensitive right now.
Tom: Well good because I am mad at you too. You just humiliated me in this holy house of gains over that twat you called a boyfriend.
Colin: I honestly don't understand how you're mad at me when I am the one who just had my heart DECIMATED.
Tom: Okay, okay. I'm not mad at you. I could never be mad at you. Every time I try to be mad at you, I look into those virginal doe eyes and my heart just goes flaccid.
Colin: You just used the word "flaccid."
Tom: I did.
Colin: In an actual conversation.
Tom: It happened.
Colin: You are my best friend.
Tom: I am here for you. I want to help you.
Colin: You can help me finish my set.
Tom: You do not need to finish your set. You need to be set straight.
Colin: Tom. Phrasing.
Tom: Horrible. I'm so sorry. Maybe you could try being straight for a little while?
Colin: PLEASE. I did have that Ariana Grande dream again though.
Tom: *gasp* What animal did her ponytail turn into this time?
Colin: A snake. So relevant. So relevant Ari.
Tom: Ugh, my love. You are broken. Come here.
*Tom gives Colin a long hug*
Colin: You are like my brother.
Tom: The brother you never had?
Colin: I actually have a brother, but you are a better brother.
Tom: If I'm like your brother, then why is your dick hard?
Colin: That's my phone.
Tom: Your phone is on the bench.
Colin:...I'm so lonely.
Tom: DEAR LORD PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER.
*END SCENE*
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