Jouissance

Saturday, July 21, 2018

If you do any of these things, you're probably a hoe (according to men on the internet)

I've done some extensive social listening, and I've determined that if you do or have done any of the following, men (i.e. boys) on the internet will assume you're a "hoe":

Wear makeup
Have long nails
Use birth control
Use the dog Snapchat filter
Use the flower crown Snapchat filter
Snapchat while driving
Post a sponsored Instagram post
Post selfies
Post full-body photos
Have "public figure" in your bio
Have more than 1000 followers
Have a big butt
Have big boobs
Have a cracked iPhone screen
Have a complicated Starbucks order
Like Drake
Like Jay-Z
Go on vacation
Go to Coachella
Sit on the edge of the pool
Sit on a pool floatie
Move on from a relationship too quickly
Not respond to texts quickly enough
Leave read receipts on
Be in a sorority
Be black
Go out with your female friends
Have male friends
Not have a boyfriend
Have a boyfriend, but still be active on social media
Have a boyfriend, but not post about him
Regularly work out your glutes
Go to the gym
Believe in astrology
Have a piece of "Live, Laugh, Love" decor in your apartment
Wear Fashion Nova
Wear BooHoo
Wear Adidas Sneakers
Wear chokers
Have sex with someone they know
Indicate in any way, shape, or form that you might actually enjoy sex
Respond to DMs
Not respond to DMs
Quote Marilyn Monroe
Enjoy things
Leave your house
Breathe
Exist

Tuesday, May 15, 2018

27.

I took another lap around the sun
and breathless, waited for the twist at the end of the chapter
but it never came

The last second stitched into now
as it always has
the wind purled tiny grains of sand
the trickle they say carves canyons
pushed me a little further out to sea

I can't see land on either side now
so forgive me for taking this second to go belly up
and stare at the sky until my eyes go fuzzy
and try to find a universe in this moment

Sunday, February 25, 2018

Abi and Javi get drinks on a Monday night and come to the conclusion that they probably aren't soulmates

*OPEN SCENE* It's a rainy Monday night in June. Abi and Javi are on their first date at a mostly empty bar in San Francisco. Abi is working slowly on a Manhattan. It's very strong--she grimaces every time she takes a sip. Javi is on his second dark lager. He is fiddling with a coaster.

Abi: Kind of dead tonight, isn't it?
Javi: Yeah the Monday crowd didn't really turn out tonight.
Abi: There's a Monday crowd?
Javi: There's a crowd for every night of the week. The ratchetry literally never stops here.
Abi: Hm. Maybe the Mondays stayed in tonight because of the rain.
Javi: *tsk* Cowards.
Abi: It's okay, I'm just glad you asked me out on a Monday night and not like, a Thursday or Sunday.
Javi: Wait...What's wrong with going out on a Thursday or Sunday?
Abi: Seriously? It's like, the ultimate diss to ask someone out on a Thursday or Sunday. It's the most obvious way you can say, "I'm not interested in giving up a weekend night for you."
Javi: That is...this is the first I'm hearing of that.
Abi: It's true!
Javi: This is something you've given a lot of thought to, huh?
Abi: Um, no. Just a normal amount, probably, I think.
Javi *dryly*: Uh huh...
Abi: Shit, you think I'm weird now. You're gonna go home and tell your roommates how weird I am.
Javi: I don't have roommates.
Abi: In Pacific Heights? Jesus. What do you do?
Javi: I work for a hedge fund in--what?
Abi*caught off guard*: What?
Javi: I just saw the light leave your eyes.
Abi: Oh. No I just--
Javi: Is that a dealbreaker?
Abi*tentatively*: Um, no...it's just that I tend to be wary of people who think about money all day.
Javi: So it's a dealbender?
Abi: It's like a deal hairline fracture, yeah.
Javi: I'll take my chances. And just for the record, I don't just sit around thinking about money all day.
Abi: Well then what do you think about all day?
Javi: Lunch, mostly.
Abi: What if you've already had lunch?
Javi: Sex, mostly.
Abi: I appreciate your candor.
Javi: Don't mention it. What did you say you do?
Abi *visibly brightens*: Oh, I didn't. I just finished my Master's in education. I'm starting my first teaching job in September!
Javi: Nice. So you're allergic to money?
Abi *immediately becomes uncomfortable*: Uhhh...what?
Javi *fidgets on his stool*: It was...that was a joke. Because teachers don't...like...make that much money. They don't make enough money.
Abi: Oh...
Javi: It was a terrible joke. I'm sorry.
Abi: It's okay--
Javi: I can see it's clearly something you're passionate about. That's awesome. Good for you.
Abi: Thanks.

A tense silence ensues. Javi pretends to care about the score of a soccer game on the TV behind Abi's head. Abi takes a sip and grimaces.

Javi: How's the Manhattan?
Abi: It's pretty terrible. Wanna try?
*Abi scoots the glass toward Javi*
Javi: With that stunning endorsement, I think I'll have to.
*takes a sip*
Javi *emphatically pushes the glass away*: Ay caramba. I'll leave that to you.
Abi: How's the beer?
Javi: It's good! Try some.
Abi: Um, I'm good.
Javi: You sure?
Abi: Yeah. I uh, I have a gluten...thing.
Javi *looks at Abi with exaggerated pity*: Oh. Oh Abi. You're wonderful.
Abi *confounded*: What? What did I--is it the gluten thing!?
Javi: It's just that...Gluten, it's...it's is an integral part of my life, Abi. Any relationship I'm ever in has to have room for my friend. My best friend gluten.
Abi: Cute.
Javi: Aw Abi...You're so nice.
Abi: You're being very melodramatic about this.
Javi: I'm being honest. I thought that's what you liked about me.
Abi: It is. It was.
Javi: Abi I'm trying my best here!

*Abi raises her eyebrows and takes another sip*

Javi: So what are the odds that you come back to my place with me tonight, Abi?
Abi: I think I'm gonna pass, Javi. Thanks.
Javi: I don't have roommates.
Abi: Well in that case! You know you should really consider going into sales.
Javi: It's one option. So is that a yes?
Abi: Ha, no, Javi. I should probably get going. I'm going to yoga with my aunt and cousin bright and early.
Javi: If you say so.
Abi: Yeah I'm just gonna go ahead and call a Lyft.
Javi: Well, I tried my best. I like you Abi. Can I get you another drink before you go?
Abi: That's okay Javi, thanks.

*Abi's phone pings*

Abi: Oh it looks like *peers at phone screen* Stanley is right outside.
Javi: Already? *suspiciously* Wait...Abi, when did you order that Lyft?
Abi*looks pained*: Oh. Oh Javi. You're wonderful.
Javi: I am slain. You have slain my brittle heart.

*Abi gathers her jacket and purse*

Abi: Thank you for the drink, Javi. This has been great. See you around?
Javi: Okay, whatever Abi. See you around.

*Abi leaves the bar in a hurry*

Bartender: Another lager for our fallen soldier?

*other bar patrons scoff*

Javi: Okay NONE of you can sit there and pretend your close rate is 100%, alright?

*END SCENE*

Friday, February 16, 2018

Tom helps Colin recover from a bad breakup at the gym and they discover that friendship is the best fix for a broken heart

Tom and Colin are at the gym. It's mid-day on a Saturday. Colin is doing chest presses. Tom is pretending to spot Colin, but actually just has one hand resting on the bar and is playing on his phone with the other.

Tom: I mean...you know I have nothing but love Col, but I think you might be overreacting.

Colin: He has a CATALOG of dick pics on his phone, Thomas!

Tom: This is WeHo, everyone has a catalog of dick pics on their phone. I have a catalog of dick pics on my phone. It doesn't necessarily mean there was any wrongdoing!

Colin: I just couldn't handle the lies anymore. I know he wasn't staying at David's all those times. I just know. I just know things. You know how I just know things?

Tom: Do you know how many people are watching your little meltdown right now?

Colin: I don't know what to do, Tom. We were looking at puppies together and now, I just...

Tom: I'm so sorry, honey. What do you need from me?

Colin: Right now I just need you to spot me.

Tom: What? I am!

Colin: I just HEARD you watching Snaps, you fraudulent bitch.

*Extremely beefy beefcake approaches the pair*

Beefcake: Do you mind if I work in with you guys?

Tom: I'm sorry, we're using this.

Beefcake: Really? Because it looked like you were just chit-chatting.

*Tom sneers*: All yours.

*Tom pulls Colin off the bench and they head toward the locker room*

Colin: I WILL CUT YOU YOU WHORE!

Tom: MY GOD Colin control yourself!

Colin: Why? he has headphones in, it's not like he could hear me.

Tom: Is it possible that you're just disproportionately angry at anything with a ballsack right now?

Colin: No. I'm not mad at you. Well okay, I'm a little mad at you. You're being very insensitive right now.

Tom: Well good because I am mad at you too. You just humiliated me in this holy house of gains over that twat you called a boyfriend.

Colin: I honestly don't understand how you're mad at me when I am the one who just had my heart DECIMATED.

Tom: Okay, okay. I'm not mad at you. I could never be mad at you. Every time I try to be mad at you, I look into those virginal doe eyes and my heart just goes flaccid.

Colin: You just used the word "flaccid."

Tom: I did.

Colin: In an actual conversation.

Tom: It happened.

Colin: You are my best friend.

Tom: I am here for you. I want to help you.

Colin: You can help me finish my set.

Tom: You do not need to finish your set. You need to be set straight.

Colin: Tom. Phrasing.

Tom: Horrible. I'm so sorry. Maybe you could try being straight for a little while?

Colin: PLEASE. I did have that Ariana Grande dream again though.

Tom: *gasp* What animal did her ponytail turn into this time?

Colin: A snake. So relevant. So relevant Ari.

Tom: Ugh, my love. You are broken. Come here.

*Tom gives Colin a long hug*

Colin: You are like my brother.

Tom: The brother you never had?

Colin: I actually have a brother, but you are a better brother.

Tom: If I'm like your brother, then why is your dick hard?

Colin: That's my phone.

Tom: Your phone is on the bench.

Colin:...I'm so lonely.

Tom: DEAR LORD PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER.

*END SCENE*

Thursday, August 31, 2017

Ultimate Game of Thrones F*ck, Marry, Kill

Guys, I'm sad.

Game of Thrones is over until the final season airs in 2019, and I am v depressed about it. As a way to deal with the withdrawals, I've created the ULTIMATE Game of Thrones F*ck, Marry, Kill. You know the rules. You win, or you die.

*BEFORE YOU CONTINUE: This may be mildly spoily for those who have not caught all the way up.

Let's start with the mens.

1. FMK: Bastards